Thursday, October 4, 2007

The Beginning of my EVOLUTION

There are so many things I want to do with my life. So many I can’t keep track of them all. On my way in from feeding the horses, playing with Duke and the little barn kitten I just named Albert, I decided to start a blog to document my EVOLUTION.

So this is what I’m thinking about today:

Geodesic greenhouses.

Living off the grid.

I’m on the verge of evolving. I have all these deep emotions that I can’t hind or ignore anymore. I believe my becoming a raw vegan has prompted my need to evolve. I feel more in tune with life and the world. I’m peaceful and I feel truly alive for possibly the first time ever. And with that I feel kinder, calmer and more gentle. So I want to be kind and gentle not only to everyone around me but to our mother earth too.

I have been reading Woody Harrelson’s book. I’m not even finished with it but I know my path is similar. My heart and soul has been searching for this path. I just hadn’t quite found it on my own. Now I feel that at least I’m in the general area. My kids joke that I’m becoming a hippie and they think it’s funny. I think it’s a complement. If I told them this I don’t think they’d understand.

It’s tough for me. My entire family – and everyone around me are on the same path. And it scares me that I no longer want to follow this path. Right now I actually have tears in my eyes. I love my family. They are my LIFE. But I’m terrified I’m beginning to stray from their path. They are so dependent on the 21st century. Of course, there are many things I am dependent on too (Internet, computers). But there is something deep inside me that wants to give some of it up. To live simply. To live closer to the Heart, Mother Earth and God.

Things I don’t want anymore:

Why waste our precious water and electricity on something we can’t eat? It’s just to look at and the family doesn’t spend much time outside anyway. I don’t care to impress anyone. I know K-Lawn makes the lawn look great but I don’t want the pesticides and chemicals anywhere near me anymore.

Propane and Electric from Big Business
I’m tired of being chained to big business. I don’t want to pay them hundreds of dollars each and every month for something I know we could supply ourselves.

Expensive clothing
I want solid, well made clothing that will last. But I can’t stand buying expensive fashion clothes anymore. I used to like us wearing nice things but it goes against my soul in a way I’m just starting to understand. It seems like such a waste.

Toys, stuff, stuff, stuff! I can’t stand it anymore.

I drives me insane that we throw so much stuff away. I want to recycle. I want to learn to reuse things. I want my family to reuse and recycle.

Evolution – I am on the verge of becoming someone else. Someone better. I want to do this! I want to become what my soul is calling me to become. Yet I’m scared. I’m scared my family won’t understand. They won’t cooperate, won’t help me. They won’t love me. I’m terrified it will tear us apart. Hubby didn’t fall in love with a backwoods hippie farmer. How do I explain to him how I feel? How do I explain that this isn’t even a new feeling for me? I do believe that becoming raw has increased my awareness of the world around me. I believe that being raw has expanded my soul and promoted me to evolve. But it’s always been there, in the back of my heart, pushed into the corner. I don’t think I can keep it pushed in that corner anymore. It’s grown too big and gotten too rambunctious, dancing and singing to get my attention.

I’m terrified hubby won’t or can’t evolve with me. What if it’s not in him? I can’t force him to become something he’s not. But how can I change alone? I can’t build a windmill alone. I can’t just change my way of living yet live in a house that lives conventionally. How can I evolve if the man I love doesn’t understand? If I changed too much he might not love me anymore. Sometimes I feel the space between us is already getting bigger and I don’t want it to. But my soul is screaming for change and not just a little change.

I’ve always wanted to be someone. Not just an anyone. I used to think I’d be a famous artist. Then I got lost. I became an everyone. But I think I’ve found out how to be someone special. And to be that someone I have to allow myself to evolve. I don’t care to be a famous person. But I want to make a difference in the world. I want to be closer to the world. I want to be the person God designed me to be. I feel like I got so lost, so caught up in money and living conventionally. I lost sight of my soul.

What I want:

To grow organic food for myself and my family, so that I don’t need to buy pesticide and chemically treated food for my loved ones. So they too, can be healthy and alive.

To live more self sufficiently I want to learn about wind and solar energy for heat and electricity. I want to remove the propane fireplace insert and use it as a real wood fireplace. We have wood in the pasture and in the little wooded area to the east of us that no one ever goes into. We wouldn’t cut down anything but already dead trees. Eventually we’d have to find other sources but we could cut down trees for people for free in exchange for the wood. I wish the fireplace was more centrally located. Can you build a fireplace in an existing basement? I want solar panels to heat water and the house. I need to use the clothesline instead of an electric drier. I want a wind turbine to create our own electricity.

To live without chemicals. I’d love to quit buying chemical soaps, sprays, etc. I’d love to get rid of all my hair products (except the organic non-chemical ones), fingernail polish, disinfectants, deodorants, perfumes, etc.

To use less paper products. No more paper towels, less office paper. Reuse paper bags at the grocery store every time, not just sometimes.

I want Hubster to want to evolve with me.

I want my children to grow and evolve too
. I want them to get ‘un-addicted’ to games. I want them to find out who they are. I want them to appreciate the world and life. I want them to care about the planet. I want them to find a purpose. I want them to prefer being outside instead of cooped up in the basement playing shooting games with no purpose or lesson.

Of all my ‘wants’ I know that the last two are the least possible. I can’t change people. Of course I want them to change but I’m wise enough to know that I can’t make them change. Change is hard enough when your soul is screaming for it. I want to change yet I’m afraid to. I can’t imagine someone trying to make be someone that I don’t want to be. And unfortunately, I think that’s what I want for my family. I want them to want what I want, but I know I can’t. And that makes me sad and lonely. Again, what if I start down a path that my four favorite men just can’t go down with me? I can’t lose them but I can’t live like this anymore either.

Yesterday, in an effort to remain the same, I applied for three jobs at Cabela’s. The drive there and back was emotionally torturous. I was torn between my soul’s screaming for change and the conventional need for money to continue on this path that I no longer want to be on.

My current path: addiction to money, chained to conventional life, ignoring the world around us, living with who I am today without finding out what’s inside my soul – remaining stagnant

The road less traveled: becoming less addicted to money, living off the grid, not giving into big business, becoming more self-sufficient, living a healthier, longer, more fulfilled life, living in tune with the world around us and protecting her from destruction, becoming one’s true self

What to think about tomorrow:
How to become less addicted to money.
We have so many bills. How do I cut it down?
We are chained to money yet I don’t want to be. What could I give up?
What’s most important? Least important?