Friday, November 23, 2007

Thanksgiving and addiction

Well, yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I made it through the day. Actually, it was a pretty great day. I had most of my side of the family here at the ranch. I fixed a big fresh, organic turkey and all the trimmings. For myself and my sister who is around 75% raw, I fixed a pumpkin pie, mashed cauliflower and portabello mushroom gravy, brazil nut stuffing and cranberry salad. I've got to tell you.... everything tasted wonderful immediately after it was made. You know, the good part, when you're licking the spoon. But when it came to sitting down and eating it with everyone else eating the traditional meal, I was terribly unsatisfied. My food didn't taste good at all. Only the pie tasted good. I wonder if it was because they were made about 2 hours ahead of time? Or was it because I was surrounded by family eating what smelled to be an amazing meal? I told my husband last night that I would have been happier with my stand-by Asian cucumber salad or rawfrado and zucchini pasta. Anything would have been better than trying to reproduce mashed potatoes! But they tasted so good in the processor when I made them. Very frustrating. But I lived. And I only had the tiniest bite of my nearly famous bourbon pecan pie. Do you remember what it's like to have a sour sweet tart? How your jaw clenches and you want to laugh and cry at the same time. That's what my pecan pie did to me after 6 months of no white sugar. Oh, and an immediate headache followed and lasted all night. Suits me right. Oh, well. It was great to hear my family tell me how healthy I looked and how proud of me they all were. It was strange to be the skinny and healthy one of the family. I told anyone who wanted to listen about my raw lifestyle but no one really wanted to hear. And certainly no one was interested in actually following my lead. I'll never go back to SAD, but sometimes I wonder how I got here. I never would have gotten here without the pain of the RA and fibro. I could never have done this for 'health' alone. It's just too hard - at least in my family and with my background. My family is over at my parents right now having leftover turkey sandwiches, wine, cheese and pie. I had to come home just to get away from the temptation. I feel a little like a failure because I want to eat their food. And I know it's all emotional. I know the food is what was killing me and I know what I eat now is healing me and making me the amazing being I am, but it's like a drug that continually tries to draw me in. In a way I'm a little jealous of drug or alcohol addicts. At least their families don't have holidays that revolve around drugs and alcohol! At least most families support addicts by not having the 'forbidden fruit' in front of their faces all the time. And that's another thing, I was a huge wino. Not an alcoholic but I loved my wine. Was actually in a wine club and received a case every other month. I'd have a glass nearly every night. Now I don't drink either. And when I do I get sores in my mouth and cold sores on my lips. And, of course, it makes me feel terrible. Coffee and pie, cheese and wine. The turkey I don't mind giving up, it was the coffee and pie, the cheese and wine. And the wild rice stuffing. Actually, I did have a bite of that too but didn't feel terrible about that. The rice was organic at least.
Okay, okay, enough rambling for today.