Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Change is not always good

This is not where I expected to be in my life right now.

If you would have told me last year at this time that I'd be living in East Texas on 30 acres in a double wide trailer house and contemplateing selling my horses - I'd not only have told you that you were crazy, I'd have been freakishly pissed off at you. Selling my beloved horses, are you INSANE???!!! I'll never sell them. They are my family, part of my soul, the reason I'm alive.

Yet here I am. Living a life I never dreamed, not even in a nightmare. Oh, East Texas is beautiful. The weather is lovely. The trees magnificant. The flora and fauna breathtaking. And I do try to be grateful, I really do!

But it's difficult to be grateful for the little we have and the hardships we've endured when just a short year ago our lives were blessed. I keep telling myself I can't complain, it was our WISH to leave it all and move here. We said it wouldn't matter what we had here, anything would be worth it.

Yet it's not worth it. I miss my 5 bdrm brick house with 2 car garage and newly remodeled bathrooms and the basement that needed new carpeting. I miss my 75 acres of rolling Nebraska grassland and gravel. I miss the barns and pens and round pen and corrals. I miss the shop with all the tools to build or weld anything at any time. I miss my gardens. I miss my chickens and geese. I miss our old neighbors. I miss my friends. I even miss my parents. I miss my family. I lost a brother, Roger, over this move. I lost my best friend, Brenda. I lost my oldest son because he couldn't leave that dusty, dying little town. We lost our truck and horsetrailer. We lost our business and the income that came with it. But most of all - I LOST MY SENSE OF SECURITY.

Was losing all this worth giving up SNOW?! No, it wasn't.

And now there is nothing left to do but try to keep living. And part of that is realizing I can't take care of my horses here as well as I did in Nebraska. I'm selling them not because I want to. Not because I have to. But because they need me to. No one will ever love them more than me but there are wealthier people out there that can baby them, care for them and feed them better than me. The rest of my life.... well, I'm just going to have to learn to live through.