Thursday, October 29, 2009

An Artistic Life

I'm artistic. I know it. Everyone who knows me knows it.

Yet I don't create art. Oh, I paint now and then. Pictures for friends or relatives or the latest was for a fundraiser for where I work. But I don't paint for me. It's not that I don't want to - I do! It's just not a priority. But it should be. It's who I am.

Sierra's recent passing has inspired me to paint a picture representing our relationship. I want to paint the picture for me to help me with my grieving. It wouldn't be a painting that you could look at and say 'oh, yea, that's you and that's your horse'. I have the idea in my head and I want to paint it... but I'm afraid. Afraid it will bring more pain (which it will), afraid I'll be unhappy with the result and afraid my family won't see anything but blobs of paint on canvas.

I don't want to be afraid to paint for myself. I shouldn't be afraid to paint for myself.

One step at a time though. Focus on being 100% RAW again. Focus on getting my RA under control. In the mean time keeping my family a priority and my job under control.

Baby steps.