Thursday, October 15, 2009

Raw Blogging and what I need this blog to really be about

I've thought a lot lately about changing the focus of my blog from totally raw food back to where I started - as my journal. I used to get a lot of therapy from blogging. The past couple years I'd focused just on raw food because, for some insane self gratifying need, I wanted my blog to be popular. I thought my 2.5 years of raw food experience would be something someone might be interested in reading and might find either support, enjoyment or a little education from.

My family's move from Western Nebraska to East Texas threw me for a loop though. I thought it would be easier here but it's so much more difficult. People back home knew me, saw how sick I was and understood how important my being raw was for my health and my family.

The people I've met here (at work), they don't know what I've gone through. They think I'm a freak of sorts. They make fun of my food at lunch - the look, the smell, the ingredients. And it's made my lunches so difficult that I no longer even eat lunch. I make a smoothie or juice for breakfast and I either starve or eat vegetarian for lunch. Most of the time I eat one fruit for lunch. The water here is awful so I don't drink. I used to brink Kombuchas but I'm so sick of everyone saying my drink smells like dirty feet and they say they can smell it down the hall.

I often work late, after 6 and after not eating all day, I'm starving. So when I get home (a 45 min. commute) I grab whatever I can. Sometimes it's bread, sometimes it's actually a salad. Most times though I eat after 7 pm and I eat constantly until bedtime at 10. It's awful.

I want my old life back. The one where I was 100% raw and loving being raw.

When I lived in Nebraska I drove 1.5 hrs to Fort Collins Colorado every week to buy food from Whole Foods or the local Co-Op. I thought Tyler would have better food. They don't. Brookshires is a laugh. There is one 12 miles from my ranch and it doesn't even carry organic. The fruit and veggies it carries is pitiful. Walmart is across the street and actually carries better food! If I want fresh organic I have to drive another 8 miles through traffic to get to the nice Brookshires that carries a full range or fresh foods. But after a long day of work/starving myself, all I want to do is go home to my family, not drive 16 miles out of my way, spend an hour shopping, standing in line and then getting home at 9 pm. Plus I can't get what I want and I have to spend extra to get it. I soooo long for a Whole Foods here.

My rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia is coming back. The hot flashes have come back. I've gained 15 lbs and I'm sad and disappointed in myself - all the time. I do have a stressful job so on occasion I cheat. Like yesterday whenI ate spinach tamales for lunch.

Yesterday, my favorite mare that I'd raised from 4 months old until she was 6 years old died. I knew the chance was high as she'd been sick since Monday morning. I'd actually been mourning her since she first became sick.... so I've been eating. Eating potato salad, bread, pasta, peanut butter, crackers, candy bars, ice cream, goat cheese (yes, these last two turned out to be huge mistakes considering I never eat dairy). I've gained 5 lbs since Monday, I'm physically and emotionally sick and sad.

Yet for the past couple months I haven't been sharing this on my blog. Why? Because I felt embarrassed to write about it ON MY OWN BLOG! Now that I've had a few people comment about my not liking 80/10/10 or my reaction to the Master Cleanse. How did I get to be embarrassed to post on my own blog?!@! This is utterly ridiculous!

I'm taking my blog back!

I'm going to post about whatever I care about, whatever I'm feeling, whatever I'm eating and I don't give a damn about whatever anyone thinks. I don't care if you like 811 and think it's the Answer to Life -it doesn't work for me and there isn't a damn thing you can say to change my mind.

So, now... I think I may be excited to blog again!