Sunday, February 14, 2010

starting over

Most life has been a self imposed roller coaster ride. I'm just not the kind of person to live in the same house for 50 years, married to the same man, doing the same thing day after endless day. I need change and if change isn't a possibility I make the changes myself.

Maybe I'm self sabotaging. Maybe my emotions are ruled by the seasons and every late winter/early spring I, quite frankly, lose my mind. Maybe I'm just a spoiled little girl who when she doesn't get her way she throws a fit or does something drastic.

I read through most of my old posts this morning. As I was doing this I noticed I seem kinda unemotional, which caught me by surprise, until I remembered that I had deleted about a third of my posts a few years back because my mother-in-law found my blog. I know, I know... if I wanted it private I could have taken precautions. I wish now I'd have just left them. It would have helped me to remember my feelings at the time. Becoming raw changed me and I wanted to read about that again.

Texas has changed me. No, that's not true. The state of Texas has not changed me, living in Texas has not changed me.... the circumstances in our lives while living in Texas the past 21 months has changed me. Those circumstances could have happened in Nebraska, or any state, just as easily.

Twenty-one months ago I will be the first to admit I wasn't happy. I was stressed beyond belief by living so close to my aging parents. Their constant involvement in my family life was making me crazy-too crazy. They were draining me if that makes any sense. I needed to run away, from them and from some of the decisions I'd been making personally. That and my husband had recently just "quit" our business, let our employee go and just called the company we contracted with and said we were through. In such a small town in the middle of nowhere Nebraska we had no way to continue making our payments on our ranch let alone the 4 month old $55,000 Dodge pickup my husband couldn't live without and my one year old SUV. There just were no other jobs in that town. I've only been back once since we left and I hear it's even more of a ghost town then it was. It was the town I grew up in and the thought of losing everything so publicly (because there is nothing to do in small town America except gossip and talk badly about people down on their luck-especially those who did it to themselves) - well, I just couldn't do it. So we sold the ranch, for a loss, and moved 1100 miles away. We lost the truck and horse trailer, filed bankruptcy and live in a trailer house. We both work full time for much less money than we ever expected.

Things are tough. Real tough. Every day is a struggle for me. I don't think anyone realizes how much. It's not the same for my husband, he has doing the same thing everyday for the past 8 years. Driving a truck hauling oil. Sure, he'd like to find something else but he refuses to look. And, personally, I don't think he ever will. This man, for the nearly 8 years we have been married, will only allow me to pack one of two kinds of sandwiches for his lunch. Peanut butter and jelly or ham with mustard and pepperjack cheese. No turkey, no cheddar, no lettuce, no mayo - nothing different or he literally will go hungry. Need I say more? Me, on the other hand, I have a hard time eating the same thing twice in a week and if I do, it's going to have a different sauce or something.

I don't know what I'm writing anymore.... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm a failure. Maybe I can blame it on the circumstances of the move, my lifelong poor choices, my lack of faith in a god or maybe it's just me. Crazy, chronically depressed me.

Either way I've failed.

I have not been 100% for the past year (shit some months I've been lucky to be 50%) and it's made it's mark on me. Maybe people without autoimmune diseases can live well on only 75% raw but I can't. My rheumatoid arthritis is back, and has been, for months and it's getting worse everyday. Last night I couldn't get off the couch without a hand from my son because my hip joints had turned to fresh cement. (That's my best description of what RA feels like. Pretend the fluid in your joints are replaced with fresh cement, the little pebbles get caught in the joints-that's the pain part you have to break through yet the longer you sit the more likely you won't ever be able to get up yet because you know the cement is going to cure.) And besides the RA lets not forget the wonderful fact that I've gained something like 25-30 pounds. Not only bad on my joints carrying around this extra weight again but a killer on my self-esteem. Basically the only thing I've got going for me is my hair is all grown back, just as full and possibly curlier than before. I've got my beautiful hair but a fat and painful old body. It's an interesting conundrum.... when I was feeling and looking physically my best that was the point where my hair had mostly fallen out-ok, I admit I wasn't bald, not by a long shot but super thin none the less.

SO WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS? I am, as of today, starting all over. I'm not "going back" to raw. I'm simply "starting over from scratch". I'm going to do what I did the first time. I'm going to go on a juice feast for as long as I can- a minimum of 8 days because that is what I did my very first time. And then, I'm going to see, what, if any changes, have happened.

There were times after I went raw that I wanted to go to the Tree of Life Rejuvenation Center to refresh and have people make raw foods for me... like at a spa. But now, as I sit here crying... yes, crying, I wish I could go so I could have the help and support to get better again. So I could break this cycle and be healthy - so that I never end up here again. It's crazy, back then I even had the money to do it but spent it on stupid things. Now, with no money, saving myself is up to me.... and I'm terrified.