Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Self Sabotage

Okay, self sabotage. Am I the only person in the world that does this? Doubtful. So, lets talk about this nasty problem I have and for those of you who don't have this issue - great for you!~ But, more about me and what I believe to be the majority of the people out there.

May 7th will be my THREE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF BEING RAW! The first 1.5 years was pretty great. The past 1.5 years has been rough. I've cheated, diverged, ran off track always to come back to raw again because I know that is what I need to be. I feel my best at full raw. My rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia just disappear when I've been perfectly raw for awhile.

I've been pretty damn good lately I'm happy to announce! The occasional steamed broccoli or warmed tortilla is not making me feel the least bit guilty as I know that overall I've been getting cleaner and cleaner with everyday.

Until tonight. Oh, it wasn't that bad, it was just popcorn topped with a little sea salt and agave - okay, so I like kettle corn. But the reason I ate it was for reasons I acknowledge but can't seem to control. I didn't eat it because I was hungry. I didn't eat it because it smelled good. I purposely fixed it to drown my sorrows/worries. And what sorrows am I drowning in gooey sweet and salty popcorn? I'm worried about my RA and Fibro.

The past two weeks my family has been working pretty hard on the ranch. Fencing, fencing and more fencing then gardening, raking, pulling, shoveling, rototilling and more gardening. The exercise feels... sorta good, but not great. Sure, I'm thrilled to be getting off my butt that's been attached to a desk for the last 1.5 years and building up a little muscle again. But it hurts. A lot. And the past two days it's not just my muscles, my joints are flaring. And.... omg, I think the fibro may be also. It's scaring me and making me grumpy to my family because I'm terrified to think I may have set something off. I think my husband just thinks I'm used to sitting at a desk and he knows I want to work off some extra pounds off my, um..... backside so he's pushing me. And I'm sorta grateful because I know I can be a little of a non-physical type person. I'm one of those people who never liked athletics or sports. I like hiking and swimming but organized sports just bore me to tears. And my husband IS the athletic type so he knows that I'm more likely to sit and watch the work so he's pushing because he knows I'll complain to him later that I'm not working enough fat off my a....

But today after working in the garden for several hours not only did my muscles hurt but so did my joints. Then my son gave me a hug congratulating me on finishing a portion of the garden and his hug hurt. I spent this afternoon in a warm bath, sitting on the couch and fixing myself an amazing raw salad and dessert thinking I was imagining it all. Unfortunately, I'm artistic and that means imaginative-so my imagination got the best of me and instead of going to bed crying I fixed popcorn and attempted to drown my worries.

What did I accomplish by this? A serious tummy ache and swollen fingers from the salt. I still feel the same. I'm still worried. I'm still sore and hurting. But now, I feel guilty and sick to my stomach. Self Sabotage. Wonder if they have a pill for that? Lol!!!