Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I am frustrated! 


Because over the last few days I've actually been working on two full blog posts but I'm just not feeling that they are ready to publish.  WTH?!  I've never cared before if my thoughts were "publishable" or not. 

I think part of my inability to publish them is because they both deal with very personal emotional issues and I just can't seem to get the right words out to express how I'm feeling.  Well, that's not exactly correct.  I've gotten those words out in several edits but to write it in a way that not only helps me but might be beneficial to someone else....well, that's proven to be a bit more difficult. 

I originally planned the first post to be a nice cut and dry piece about stress but it's proven to be the most difficult to write.  It's all about acknowledging what has been causing me ongoing stress and therefor several outrageous flares this summer and releasing those things and people that helped to cause those stresses.

The second post might seem emotionally easier to write about but strangely it's been just as difficult.  I've always been a passionate person but I've let my passion... for pretty much everything other than my children, get sidelined by the increasing pain, loss of motion and fatigue I've been trying to deal with/ignore for the past year, year and a half.  So this post has been just as emotionally draining as the first post about releasing stress. 

I guess I'm not emotionally ready to post either of them so I'm just going to keep them in the background until I'm ready to edit and finish them.  You'll see them when you see them.

I do have two items of good news though.

I started going back to my therapist today.  Originally I went to see her for depression but she quickly helped me to realize that some of my depression is a direct result from my illness and feelings of loss in my life- of my life.  I quit going to her for awhile due to summer vacations and missed appointments but now with autumn coming it will be easier to schedule again.

And.... I finally got the call for an appointment from my choice rheumatologist! There are several here that I could go to but the majority of them I knew wouldn't support my lifestyle and choice to stay drug free.  Though I'm not certain how this doctor and I will get along I do know that she does lean a bit more my way that to the typical pharmaceuticals only approach.  I'll tell you all about it but it's not until the end of October.  I can wait, I haven't been to a rheumy since 2007 anyway.  Another couple months won't kill me.