I've been BUSY! Very busy juicing and juicing and making Hippocrates Soup and enjoying my coffee enemas.....
and H E A L I N G!
The first few weeks on (my version of) the Gerson Therapy was quite a roller coaster ride. Some days I was slightly better. Some days I was much worse. I experienced headaches, increased joint pain and inflammation, incredible muscle pain and quite a bit of a whirlwind of up and down depression mixed with hope. There were nights and nights of insomnia and then there were days all I wanted to do was sleep but had to get up every hour to juice.
Up until Monday of this week, I've got to be honest, I was feeling pretty awesome. The pain and inflammation of the rheumatoid arthritis had practically disappeared though admittedly not 100%. The fibromyalgia had though, seemingly disappeared all together---which is just amazing. I was feeling more and more like my old self everyday. I had lost about 6 pounds and was just fitting into a size smaller jean which also increased my self-esteem and encouraged me to keep going because I was literally seeing the results as well as feeling them. Sleep was wonderfully easy to attain and I felt rested in the mornings. There is the exception that I wasn't wanting to get out of bed in the mornings even though my body felt rested but that was entirely an emotional issue.
Well, those emotional issues came to a head Monday afternoon. I sometimes wonder if being healthy does something to my brain. I want to know... really... why is it that when I feel good, my body starts to heal and I see the possibility of an actual healthy future that I do and say things that have the potential to cause my self-destruction? Or is it that it's actually not self-destruction but the need to be true to myself for a change. Does being healthy cause my true self to want to come out from behind the cripple mask? Is the thought of being crippled and in physical pain the rest of my life easier for me to deal with than what happens to my feelings when I start feeling physically healthy? Because the thoughts and feelings that run through this girl's head when she feels good is scary... and heartbreaking.
Anyway, due to personal issues I'm not comfortable discussing here, I ended up taking a road trip Tuesday. And even though I took my juicer and my veggies I still cheated... a lot. And I drank everyday for 3 days. And ate bread and cheese and dairy and things I knew I shouldn't be eating and drinking. I knew that every bite would not only stop my progression of getting healthier but take me backwards. But I did it willingly and with intention. Crazy? Yes and No. If you knew the circumstances of my emotional and mental state I believe you would understand. How do you choose? It's impossible. I want both.
Now I am home again and the past two days I've been trying to get back into my schedule-but it's tough. Even just a few days and those addictions hit me hard. I have been doing the juicing though not as many as I'm supposed to. I haven't actually been eating enough, just a salad here and there but I did make a batch of Hippocrates Soup this afternoon. And of course I've continued with the coffee enemas. I never stopped those as they help me so much with pain management.
I'm upset with myself because my hands started swelling and hurting again. I'm frustrated that my feet, ankles, knees and hips are painful again. I'm mad that my sleep is seriously disrupted again. And I'm just depressed that in 3 days I gained the 6 pounds that took me 2 months to lose (though losing weight was not the intention-it just made me feel better about myself).
|Image courtesy VintageHolidayCrafts.com|
But I know I can do it again. I know I can get back to where I was at the beginning of the week. I know my joints and muscles will feel 'normal' and my sleep patterns will return and the weight will come off and I will feel good again.
Yet at the same time now I also have to deal with a personal issue that is incredibly difficult. And I don't know what to do about it. I keep telling myself 'one day at a time, one minute at a time'. That now instead of healing just my body, now I'm healing my whole self. Body and Soul. I hope I'm strong enough.
Depending on the religion there are actually many possible meanings surrounding the Lotus Flower but the most basic meaning that means the most to me is the simpleness of BIRTH OR REBIRTH and SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT. I look forward to the 'rebirth' of my body and my soul.