Sunday, November 25, 2012

Update for RawFoodCowgirl

This is not an easy post for me to write and I've been putting it for for a long time.  I'm not sure where to start, so bear with me as I stumble along...

The move to Fort Stockton didn't work out for so many reasons.  The first is that there are so few organics available.  There are a few places in Midland but that's a two hour drive from here and it's impossible for me to get there as we had to file bankruptcy and had no choice but to foreclose on our ranch in East Texas. As a result I also lost my car.  We are down to one old car and as my husband works, he needs it so I am left at the small ranch we are renting several miles outside of town. Not that living in town would have been any better.  There are only two place to buy food and both are, well, they aren't Whole Foods. As far as what is available, don't get me wrong, I AM grateful that the little local Walmart does actually carry organic carrots, celery, lettuce and spinach.  If it wasn't for Walmart there wouldn't be any organics in over a 100 mile radius or more.  The lack of organics, coupled with lack of ability to drive anywhere to buy and the lack of money to purchase over the internet has really set me back, health wise.  I know, I know, you are saying, "grow your own".  Well, until YOU live in Fort Stockton, Texas and have gardened successfully, don't even mention gardening in this horrid, rocky, good for nothing, dry as a bone soil. Not to mention the heat.  This fall I managed to grow a square foot of each lettuce and arugula and a few heads of broccoli bu that's the extent of that.  Shoot, I can't even FORAGE as dandelion and other forage-able greens just aren't here for me to forage for.  Mesquite.  Miles and miles of mesquite.  That's all that grows here.  And tumbleweeds. 

Another reason this move hasn't worked for us is the horses.  There is NO grass so we have to feed our horses purchased hay year around.  It's incredibly expensive (another reason I can't buy over internet or save up to buy a car). We've been trying to sell our horses with no luck.  We have tried to give them away also with no luck. 

And, lastly... my husband of ten years and I have finally decided to call it quits.  We've been limping along for years.  It was easier when he lived here and we still lived 8 hours away.  Now that we've tried, one last time, to live together we have realized it's just not fixable.  At least I know now that we actually gave it our all to make it work. If we would have divorced last year as we'd talked about I would have forever wondered if our moving to West Texas with him would have worked. Now I know that our differences are too much and that though we will always be friends it is finally time for us both to move on.

Unfortunately, moving on at this point in my life seems... nearly impossible.  The past six months of not being able to eat as I need to has really set me back.  Adding the emotional stress of money and a failed marriage and I'm a mess.  Although I'm still vegetarian I've been eating poorly.  I'm embarrassed to admit it but it's true.  Cheese enchiladas, deep fried onion rings, cheese pizzas, cookies, cakes, candy, bread, lots and lots of alcohol, it's all added up to gaining 20 pounds since the move in June and worse than the weight is the PAIN.  My sero-neg auto immune disease (non RA/RA) and fibromyalgia is back.  My hands and feet hurt all the time.  My knees and back, elbows, shoulders, hips, pelvis.  You name it, if it's a joint, it HURTS.  All the time. 

I've tried going on a juice fast but I can't get organic apples.  I can get them in Midland but I can't afford the gas for the car even on my husband's days off.  We did go this past weekend and I bought some organic apples, finally, after MONTHS without them but I actually had to pay $2.79 a pound for them.  Back in ETX I could get them at the farmer's markets or the little local place I went to for $1.49 a pound. Anyway, I've never been good with pure carrot juice and as that's all I can buy in town I can only juice for about 48 hours and then the pure carrot juice won't go down anymore. But I do keep trying everyday to eat healthy and stay away from the emotionally numbing bad foods.  It's tough though, trying to get back on track when I don't know which track to get back on.  My life is so upside down at the moment.  The days I manage to eat at least vegan and get some meditation in seems like Nirvana to me.  I'm taking each day as it comes hoping that each new day gets better. That I find hope again. Hope in myself. Hope that my body can once again be cured of this pain and disease.  I know it's possible.  I know the road I'm on is tough right now but someday, I know.  I know I'll be back.