Wednesday, March 19, 2014

February 4th, 2014 - Before the Epiphany

(The following entry was copied exactly from my journal to this blog.  I thought adding it to the blog was essential to show my mindset before I started my journey, before I even realized I was going on a journey.)  
It's 3:36 am on February 4th, 2014.  I've been awake awhile.  Laying in bed praying. Begging.  Feeling sorry for myself.  Letting my ego be in control.  Hating myself. My bad haircut. My 200 pounds of fat and no muscle.  Hating my body and lack of will power.  My Self Hatred.  My ugliness and self-loathing.  My depression.  My BOREDOM.   My total dislike for the place we live.  The area is ugly. The house is okay but oh, SOOOO dark.  It's dreary, depressing. Dark.  Like my soul feels right now.

I feel sick, physically sick from all the crap and dairy I ate yesterday.  Intentionally.  Because I was feeling bored and stuck and self-loathing. My hand hurts to write because its swollen from the salt and from the cheese and the crap I ate last night.  My stomach is still full-uncomfortable.  I've lost my ability to feel full.  I just KEEP EATING.  I worry is something wrong with my head or body. That I've lost my ability to know where "full" is.  I'm like Navada (our 9 year old yellow Labrador). I eat to just eat to freaking FEEL something.  Anything. This life SUX.  Sometimes I think that I should just let go now and learn the lessons in the next life cuz I feel like a failure in this one.