Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Body issues

Ugh, I woke up and had only lost .4 of a pound after an evening of fighting hunger.  Then again, if I continue losing .4 of a pound a day for the next SIX MONTHS I will be back to my healthy weight. 

SIX MONTHS.  Half a year... 

The benefits of my body being at 160 pounds though are too much to ignore.  The pain of the auto-immune disease lessons tremendously, the physical weight off of my joints is incredible.  I'm light enough to be active as I enjoy and because I look better I FEEL better about myself. 

The horrible weight of growing up in the 80's, of actually once being a local model, of the decade of starving myself as a teen and early 20's because I wanted to be a model has permanently destroyed my feelings towards my body.  Over the years I've pretended or faked my 'okay-ness' of my body, but it was all a lie.  Everyday is just another day of ignoring the hateful feelings towards this physical body. 

Often I wonder about the spiritual aspect of this.  I'm not okay with being fat. Is that an ego issue? Is that an issue from this lifetime or is it an issue from a past life? I look at and feel my legs in this lifetime and they are not mine.  How do I explain that?  These legs are thick and solid, currently solid with fat and they hurt, not internally but if I bump into something or whatever, they sting, they burn, like a knife cutting my skin.

It's like I'm living in someone else's body.  I'm 48 years old, you'd think I'd gotten used to this body by now, but I haven't.  My only explanation is from a past life. Not just this life of years ago, but an actual past life. 

I see my bare legs, thin and muscular.  I'm shorter but not by much.  I'm running, barefoot through the grass, my lungs are clear and powerful, my legs those of a runner.  Although my clearest memories are of me running from danger, I know that in that lifetime I actually ran because I liked to run.  Because my body liked to run.

This body doesn't run.  My feet and ankles are shit.  My knees and hips hardly much better.  My lungs have always been an issue, even when my muscles were strong and could run, my lungs could never keep up with me. 

I want another body.  I want another life.  And yet, I'm not ready to let this life go just yet. 

So, here I am, desperately trying to lose 70 pounds so that I can actually 'LIVE' this life fully and not just hide myself behind everything and everyone. 

TODAY'S JUICE (2 pints)
2 green apples
1 lime
4 celery
2" ginger root
1" turmeric root